Random Thoughts

I’ve Given Up on Life

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It was around 2:30 when I went to bed after talking to people online….

I started to pray to God for direction in my life and to bless those who also in need of guidance. I asked Him to give me strength, to go in life with out a significant other and that if there was some one He has prepared for me, that I refuse her and I wanted her to be happy. Something I doubt I can do. The time passed and I started to ask him to show me his way, until I said that I am tired of fighting who I really am. I am tired that I have fought my entire life and I have nothing to show for it, I have fought my parents, me family, the church, the university, myself and God.

I am here at this institution as a music major but have not musical background, I can’t play an instrument, I can’t sing, I can’t sight read, I can barely read music well.

So I told God that I give it all up for Him. Five years of my life I have devoted to mixing at church, countless hours on fixing amps, speakers and many more things, thousands of dollars in books and gear for me to read, thousands of fights with the elders of the church so I could be in charge of the ministry at such a young age and now I see that it has been all in vain.

For those that are reading this and know me very feel you know that music for the past five years has been my life and I have just done music since then. This must come to a surprise to them as it did to me seeing that I was considering going to the Full-Sail, an audio recording trade school in Miami.

I am broken and confused. I have been doing music for all this time; I don’t know what else I am good at. I should had listened to Eddie all those years ago and saved me all this heart ache

Now I am here with nothing to show to GOD. Mixing was my offering to GOD, it was my way of worshiping Him. Now I come with empty hands.

GOD have mercy on my soul which I have lost in giving up music.

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