Its about five weeks since I have been back at school and classes are good, they could be better but when can’t it. I have been broken a few times by God over the last few weeks and I have been on the edge of dying but other that that I really cant complain. I have the greatest teachers in the world and I am loving Music Business and Music Tech.
I have been attending chapel regularly and am going to sign up to go on the Mexico Outreach during Thanksgiving break (I’m probably going to work with kids and be a translator) and am even thinking of going on a missionary trip next summer. I feel that i am in a good place with God…. School is good, my relationship with God is good, but why am I doubting myself?
Well let me explain….. as of this point I am a music major with a commercial music emphasis with an audio engineering track and a psych minor (fall back plan). But I have been a music major for two semesters already but I see that so many people are so much more competent than me.
I remember once talking to Eddie, he was going some graphics things and stuff and I told him he should do it for a living seeing that he was very good at it and then said these words that I will never forget, “You can be good at many things, but you can great at only thing.”
And that is something that has been making a bit unhappy….. I have a tons of passions for music….. I love to sit at a mixing board and taking it apart and just making some sound great and see how everything works…..I love just listen people sing and play and see the talent they have….. But to be a music major at this school I have to take music theory which is not my forte… but I’m doing my best…. I have to be in choir….. don’t really like but its ok……… I have to take piano…. well I was going to try to learning on my own time but seeing that I can get credit for I’ take the class….. I have to take voice lesson seeing that I don’t have an instrument (why can’t people see that the mixing board is an instrument?) which I dislike seeing that I have never sang and I have a horrible voice (I know a lot of people say this….. But I have actually recorded myself and heard my own voice) and…. inner ear training with has made such a difference in my life as a audio engineer…..
But here the thing…… I am good enough to compete out in the real world? I know people that have a great ear…. 10, 15 times better than mine. I know I’m not going to in to CCM (Contemporary Christian Music) so I have to compete with people that have gone to Julliard, Full Sail, Musicians Institute. People that have been surrounded by music their entire lives…. and I have recently gotten into music. It bring much pain seeing that I have worked so hard over the past five years to develop the techniques of mixing that I have and that question if it is good enough. I want brought up in home like many other that were forced to play an instrument when I was younger (I resent my parent for not making me). I remember I was told when I was 8 that I would never be in music just because I wasn’t able to keep time very well at an early age. And now I am here wondering if that person was right? Am I just wasting my time and money something I will never excel at? Am I really even good? And If am good what is your standard? Is there a standard at measuring someone’s talent at mixing?
Is this me being so critical about myself of God telling me to find something else to do? People have said that I am good at mixing but good doesn’t cut it….. I need to be great, I need to step up my techniques, but is it possible for me to be good enough to be in the industry?
I just hope that if I am suppose to be a music major I do my best at it…… but let it God’s will.
I pray for people that are at colleges and are in the same situation and for the people that are also confuse like I am.
May God touch your life and let Him show you your talent as he has shown me.