As most of you know I have always “just been there” or been “a substitute”
or ” you’re such a great friend” or ” I love you but as a friend” and everything else
So I say screw it this what I want:
So here it goes…..
I would like to meet a girl that I can say she is beautiful when she’s without make up
I would like to meet that true love that will always be there
that person that I can be complete unguarded
that person that will know me for who I really am
to be with her and take her everywhere
That I would drive 30 hrs without sleep to see her 5 min.
that I would quit my job just to spend more time with her
that when I see into her eyes I can she her soul
that person that doesn’t complete me but complements me
that person that you know deep in you soul that you would not be the same without them
Sadly this will never happen in my life, I have been so messed up by my parent and by genetics that even I do find this person ….. I rather let her go, and for her to happy with someone else than hurt her.
In my quest for searching for myself I have found traces of my father and my grandfather, which haven’t been that good father/ husband.
So if history has thought us anything is that it repeats itself…… so what I am I doing…. just that doing something I will have to stop the cycle of this great atrocity
And I know a lot of people are going to argue that you don’t become your parents and that you fight it and whatnot… I have fought….doesn’t work I’m just like my father and it some cases even worse. I fought my entire life not to be like my father. I used to say that if I ever had a family I would try to spend more time with them or be a better father or go places with them. Know that I am at an age that I understand more is that you can’t run away from your problems, you can’t fight you genes, this is like me illness. I can try to be someone I am not, but that would only be a facade.
and seriously do we need any more Rodriguez’s out there?
So …… what’s in store for me? I don’t know……
I has been say that, “it is better to have loved and lost than had never loved at all”
I’m not sure I believe this… because it pains me to believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life but isn’t pain what makes us who we are?
think about when you character is built is is not the happy summer you had on the lake that you think of, it the crappy winter you had with all the drama with your girlfriend.
So as I know that people dwell on the pain and never get over it (the me of last year) I have learned to harness the pain and “feed” of it to produce something of value….. music….. I try to focus on the pain and convert it in to energy so I can go to classes, go to practices, and try to understand life.
this I what is relevant to my life at this point….. I don’t know if this will still be my ideology a year from now, or a week.