As the days on the calendar continue to roll, a certain decision has come up. I try not to think about it much, but I fail at not thinking about it from time to time.
I worked really hard after I left school, and it was good. I was able to accomplish a lot that I wanted. I got a very lucky break being able to so much with my limited years of the music business.
But as time progressed, I have noticed that I have been abandoned by many of those that helped me to get to where I once was. All the while I did work hard — even to the point that my personal, family life and even my relationships were causalities of my work. I was given many breaks from people that believed on what I had to offer and I pushed my hardest to deliver.
As I ponder what I want to be in life, I have my doubts.
Yes, someone as stubborn, egotistical and determined has his doubts. It’s difficult to compartmentalize the emotions and struggles of wanting to be that old person from a year or two ago. To have the opportunities and not have them anymore. It seems like I have been shaken to my very core, and it has knocked me off my feet.
While I am trying to get back into the music I cannot say that I have been doing so whole-heartedly. What made past attempts great was there was no Plan B. In the past there was school, family, friends, etc. but I never let that get in the way.
This time is a bit different. I do not have the resources I once had, and it’s becoming more difficult to just leave everything to become a starving musician.
I don’t think that the problem is that I am not talented, (I might not be and am fairly rusty) But there is no clear cut indication that I should go back in the music industry.
While that was something I longed for, it was my dream for years and was what I had been working towards since the age of 16, it seems like everything came to screeching halt.
I do not have the same moral support as I once did and wish not to be a burden to those around me.
Ultimately, if I go back to school and get my BA… nothing changes… just prolonging my decision to get back to the music. If I go to FullSail, which has been courting me to attend, it’s the same thing but with a more focused curriculum. None of these options guarantees me that I will even work in the music again.
So the question is… Is a BA even worth it now? I’m getting to my mid twenties and still have decent ears and want to develop them a lot more before time goes by… I don’t think I have the luxury to think about all the possibilities or going back to school.
As you can see from this rambling post, it’s not that I am not confident in my talents, nor is it that I am not determined… I am hesitant, afraid to devote so much time and effort, sacrificing so much as I did in the past to just to be back in this position in a couple of years. The question is… what is going to be the future?
There isn’t a guarantee either way… It seems like the only way to know is to walk away and try something that is not music or go back full force without a Plan B and make it work.