Sleepless Night

On my way back from Pamplona last night, a few things got me thinking.

I had a long conversation with Claudia, which I would have rather done face to face. It was hard but it had to be done. It was one of those, ‘Where is this going’ conversation which will take a lot more talking once I get back to the Sates. I really hope there will be a response. As of now both of us still want to pursue of careers before any plans of engagement, if there ever will be. This is something we have talked about a lot, but with me leaving there are a lot unanswered questions and uncertainties. Which let to question my decision and what is to follow.

My move to New York is going to affect not only me but the people around me. I find it hard that we usually just think of ourselves. The action and repercussions are usually left to the imagination that it hurts only one self, but the reality is that it hurts a lot more people than we think. I admit that I have been selfish in my decision making, not taking into account friends, family and sometimes even God. Sometimes I wonder how my actions have affect the people around me. Have my actions impacted people around me for the better or for the worst?

It just got me thinking of the what if…

Why do I have gut feeling of there is something that will go wrong? Is this because I have doubts of what is come?

I believe this is reason I haven’t been able to fall asleep tonight. I’m trying to think of the possibilities of what my action will do to the people around my life. Trying to somehow justify my decision in the best possible way. Trying to weight the pros and the cons.

The people I will not longer see, the friends I will have to make time to talk to once in a while, my family that I have put so much effort to become closer to, the places and ‘safety’ which LA gives me. The sacrifices I have to make for this great opportunity which I have been given.

Why am I doubting so close to the move?

I’ve made the decision and Escrow will be closing soon, there is not way I back down. The hard part and what is still up in the air, but I take with great care. The feelings of Claudia and I. What will happen. This feeling of uncertainty is not something I’m accustomed to. I like to have all the answers or at least where I can find them. In this situation, I have neither.

I just pray that God will help me in my path, whatever that might be.