Random Thoughts

The In-Between

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We’ve all been there… the in between jobs, the in between chapters in our lives.

This entire year has felt like an in between.

I did a lot. I worked to make the ESPN iOS app very accessible, I pushed for better. To the point that a lot people thought I was doing great. That was until my contract was not extended and I was not converted to full time.

It sucked… it sucked a lot. To see everyone else in my org that came in as a project hire be converted and be the only one that did not. It was just… Bad fucking feels.

I then turn to a job hunt. I really thought I was going to be out of work to months… In reality I had an offer in about a month, but only after deciding not to stay in the New England area.

I went through a break up. I am going through a break up.

This is the crux of a lot right now. I tend to dissociate myself from a lot. Mainly problems and feelings. Some might call it a defense mechanism, others a survival technique, either way, I do it. It’s something I’m trying to get better at, but it’s difficult.

The months of May through July all felt like limbo, a great in-between chapters in my life that I just wanted to get through. You know the feeling that you get when you finish a great book and want to the start the other but i has been released… or there’s the dissonance note of song that you want it to resolve to consonance.

That’s what I wanted. What I want. It’s what I need.

So in August, I thought I had achieved that. I moved across the country again for a great job. Three plus months in… I’m kicking ass.. I found a few people that are in the area which I hang out with that I met at conference in early September.

But there is still this… Unrevsolveness feeling.

I lost my job, my partner and somewhat my life for the past 4 year in a single week. and I knew at the time I couldn’t handle all of it at once. I had to break the whole ‘life falling to pieces’ into smaller things that i could handle one step at a time. I got through it. I took things one issue of the at time and with that I was able to survive. I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t just stop and reflect for too long because I knew I couldn’t fix it. What better way to keep your mind off things and bury feelings you can’t deal with than to search for a new job and do the work of a junior partner at a VC to make sure the company isn’t toxic. then slowly acclimate to new surroundings.

Working through emotions and feelings has been challenging, mainly because I’m in the is in-between. Not sure what is next, makes things hard to make goals. On what to work on.

Maybe at the end of this is just me making the smallest of decision that will help move away from this stagnant stage. I just need to know what that decision is.

Here’s to the in-between and what is next.