Last night married friends invited me over for dinner. It’s not uncommon but I knew something was up, the tone in their voice, a gut feeling. They where trying to set me up. It’s not the first time, it won’t be the last time.
It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship. I make no excuses, it’s a fact. I have casually seen people over the past 2 years but nothing too serious. But people think I’m lonely because I don’t have a single person to share things with. Maybe that’s what works for them but not for me.
I didn’t grow up in a broken home or was emotionally scarred as a child, I won’t use those as excuses… I just don’t see me, or at least this version of me, as the marrying type. I’m complex person that does a lot of different things. One day I can go to a musical beer crawl and then the next day have to be at black tie event. One day I would like to go see post modern art at a-hole-in-the-wall gallery in downtown La and the next want go white river rafting. While I’m able to do a lot of these things – knowing how act, how dress, etiquette, etc — some significant other might not. I remember once inviting someone to a play, sadly that person was unable to dress correctly for the event. I was not embarrassed for her, but she did feel out of place.
Sometimes I just want to cook for someone else or just relax and read my own book while another person is just there. Sometimes I just want to be alone, with my thoughts, my learning. I want to build something. I want to travel, and I don’t have tell anyone. I’m narcissistic but not vain. I take pride in how I look but don’t have to take a multitude of pictures of myself, or see my reflection in every shiny object.
It could also be that I’m unequipped to be in such a relationship. So much of my successes have been because I work hard on “work” and not me or my significant other. I neglect lot of things, friends, family. It’s possible that one of the main reason there is discord with me a certain people, I’m able to just see friend every so often and not need to talk to see then on regular basis. It could be that me dating someone will instill social pressures of my long standing patriarchal family. Going to formal dinner parties, acting, dressing the part of something they might not be completely familiar with. Scrutiny in family history, and “etiquette”, social norms. That for a some time I have been able to stave off, but for how much longer?
In the end, I fail at relationships. I’m not good at them. At this point in time, I am content with the people I spend time with. I don’t need more. This suits me.
I understand that they do this because they care. They want me to be “happy” and have what they have. I frankly don’t want that. There’s no need for more Rodriguez’s in the world. Of course this how I feel right now… time sometimes changes things, sometimes things stand the test of time.
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