Random Thoughts


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After a few days in the hospital after an adverse side-effect from mixing medications added to the pressures of overworking myself, I’ve been home on mandated vacation. With this vacation I have a lot of extra time on my hands and nothing really to do. Trying to remedy that, I decided to write by hand. There’s just something about writing on you own stationary with a nice fountain. It’s a dying way of communication. For someone that adapts to change rather quickly, it’s a way to keep some nostalgia.

But it’s been a bit more difficult than I originally thought. Though, I have been writing for sometime now, as I had a pen pal. As I sat there, not having anything to write about until I wondered what if I just had checked myself out of the hospital early and had gone to Munich, out of my own volition. Then then it hit me.

Volition… What a strange word.

volition |vəˈli sh ən; vō-|
the faculty or power of using one’s will : without conscious volition she backed into her office.

I came across this word back in 2001. I was playing a space simulator game, FreeSpace. The developers of said game was Volition Inc. Volition Inc is still around, as a subsidiary of THQ and have created a great games such as Red Faction series and Saints Row series.

Volition. Free will. Up until then I was told what to do, how to think, and how to dress. What classes to take, what I was going to be my career, and even what universities I was going to apply to. I had path laid out by my parents to be this person they wanted me to be. After life changing moments in the next few months, volition became more and more important to me, as I began to question everything.

Since then, some of my personal folders have always had that insignia. I’ve inscribed it on a few watches, it’s on my class ring, and it’s even the name of my phone. It serves a constant reminder that I control the actions I make and by extension, the consequences in my life and those around me. With this I have also learn that the best choice for myself isn’t necessarily the best option overall.

Since then I have tried everything to be my own person. But there are responsibilities that I wish I could just walk away from. It’s not easy being this person. Sadly, the more time passes, the more I see that this is the person I need to be or will become. I will be losing who I am. I have debated the the two paths; the person I want to be and the person I am expected to be.

I have always had a understanding that I choose my battles, and if I chose to fight something I’m fairly certain that I will win. This doesn’t mean that I have won all the battles, but very a high percentage have been won. The more I see this is in a logical and rational matter; it makes sense not to fight it. But the question remains. Is this what I want?

Am I going to use my volition and choose the path I need to take, becoming someone that just follows or am I going to be the person that leaves and tries to forge to be his own person?

Sadly, I was born with not only the sins of my father but those of my forefathers. This does not just affect my life but those around me.

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