For I am broken… As a guy I am programmed to fix things, and if something cannot be fix replace it or make it look as it is fixed.
Somethings cannot be fixed… They are broken and broken they will stay.
I have slowly tried to show my faults. For they are the things that makes us human. Some of us have smaller ones than others, some have bigger ones, but I know one thing for certain; We all have them.
Because I cannot fix myself I try to hide the brokenness with projects and dive into work 110% and keep people at a fair distance. It seems like a character flaw but its not. Some might say, it might be a great thing. I invest myself completely that is why I usually succeed at things. I do it subconsciously but I know I do it. I’ve done it with various things; in grade school it was studies, in high school it was girls, and now it’s work. It’s a way to getting away from the problems of daily life.
Through out these first three months, I’ve tried to start a studio / label / production company with a projected initial capital investment of a sum of eight figures. I almost succeeded.
Yesterday, on the way back from a choir concert, a friends and I where having a conversation about life and such. The conversation about former and present girlfriends. As the conversation progressed, I mentioned that I’ve never told any girlfriend, “I love you.” This sparked a good 30 minutes of over analysis of my actions and character flaws.
These past few months have been hard with family issues, school, work, and personal drama.
Three months into the year and I am gasping for air, trying to keep my head above water.
As I said before, I am broken. I do not have the tools to fix it. This is whom I am. I will stop pretending.