Choices and Options

This post will be vague intentionally. It’s more just for me, to be able to write down some things down, to express some of my thoughts and events that are happening in my life without going into details.

Earlier this month I started with the motto,

“The actions that will take place in the next few days/weeks will impact my life greatly. Today might be the first day of new life.”

These words have never been so real in my life. These past few weeks have been hard with work, family, and school. Some things will never be the same, some will be the same forever

Work has been an constant struggle, the amount of paperwork, countless hour spent on meeting, having the project’s budget cut by a third, writing proposals for better recording equipment. The list goes on and on. I’ve been able to keep things on track by working a lot more than the usual 40 hour work week, which as most of you know, does not apply to musicians. I have a passion for this because it’s something I’m good at and that why I do not mind all the work.

There has begun a big divided in my family over what will happen if my grandfather, on my mother’s side, passes away. There are certain “guidelines” and “traditions” that has been passed down generation to generation for some time now. Our family is traditional in the sense that there is a patriarch and that such of thing. There are those that wish for the family to continue the tradition in the patriarchy system and those (read: younger branches of the the family tree) that wish to go about their lives without tradition, calling it “an outdated form of living” and “a way of controlling people’s lives.” My personal opinion, I would greatly wish to be able to just step back and let them do what each choses. But, as everyone in a family, I have my responsibilities and I must see them through.

School… School… The whole down but not out, situation. More to come as things become clearer. Maybe, I was naive to think that a simple humble audio engineer could be a musician. I was expected to be able to learn countless techniques and skills that most had been developing for years in matter of weeks/months without any prior training. Things are still in the balance and I will do anything to see if I could accomplish my feat in showing those that audio engineers are more than just gear sluts or people that just turn knobs, but are musician themselves.

Why am I doing this? I don’t know. Usually people choose the path of least resistance, while I choose the ones with the most. It’s also seems like I am doing this to prove something or out of spite, which is part of my personality. But, you would think I would have learn my lesson by now?

As I said prior, I am broken. Maybe this is my way of showing people that even though I am broken I can function as person, sometimes even better than most. Maybe this a away of being humbled and you becoming more tolerable of failure; the whole life lesson things that we all have to learn sooner or later.

Hopefully I will learn which one and have an answer by the end of the summer.