The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.

-Ernest Hemingway

A few years ago I wrote about how I’m broken, and nothing has really changed since then. I’m still broken. Maybe even more so.

I became concerned when the word inhuman started to show up in conversations with various people on how I deal with life, emotions. I’m pretty jaded, don’t get exited much, don’t have many expectations, I don’t worry. But it does not mean I do not have them. As all people I have aspirations, goals and ultimately expectations,  but they are mostly realistic.

I researched the topic of sociopathy. One of the main symptoms of being a sociopath is lack of emotions. But me being conerned for my lack emotions proved that I am not a sociopath.

I started to question if I was a good or bad person. As a rational person, I started to vindicate my stance as a good person. I made comparison to killers and other “evil” people. Sadly, a rational person will ultimately rationalize everything. It was an exercise in futility either way, I  could justify myself as a good person.

Sadly, I did notice that happiness doesn’t suit me.

I have these thoughts that most people have, “If wasn’t here, would I be missed?” Constantly.

One of my main motivations to succeed has always been pain, hurt. I fought against the hurt, the pain, the brokenness to prove that I was better that everyone. Then people tried to change me. I changed to fit my environment, my situation, when people saw that I didn’t change the way they wanted me, they leave.

I made a subcounsious decison to be busy – so busy that I wouldn’t be available. If I wasn’t available, I wouldn’t have time to be in a situation where I might feel out of place. It was great for my work ethic. I can learn or do almost anything if I want to. For my social and relationship life, it didn’t work out so great. At times, I have some underdeveloped social skills. In my mid-20’s still not truly understand the concept of relationships. While I am actively working on both, I fail at them. A lot.

Being busy has always been my escape. I was able to accomplish so much because of this. While I was fortunate be in a family where I could had gone to great universities without the proper credentials, I decide to go somewhere else on my own merit. I have always decided that I wasn’t derserving of the options I had infront of me. I have always had this feeling that I need to earn everything. In a way trying to step out of my family long casting shadow.

The more I get to know myself the more I notice how messed up I am. Happiness makes me complacent.

It’s sad really… because part me has the apsirations to be average, normal – which would make me dull, complacent. Normalcy would strip me from so much of my personally, my drive .

It seems my only driving force now is to get my old life back. The depression, self loathing, which is not shown to other people, ever,  is nothing I’ve ever been good at. It seems like I’ve been with the philosophy  that if you fall of the horse you get right back on. “Life sucks and you have to live it.”

The more I see myself, I’m a riddle wrapped and mystery, wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a puzzle… many times fold.

I am broken. More so than before… but one day the breaks will heal.. yes there will be scars and I will be able to share and then.. only then will you understand me completely.

Happiness doesn’t suit me. I’m broken and I don’t need or want to be fixed.*

“All I can do is be me. Whoever that is.”

—  Bob Dylan

 

*This entry was written on November 19, 2010. I never got around to posting it until today. The reason of  posting this is to own this. To realize that I am broken and I have these emotions or lack there of. If I own this like I own other traits, then it can’t be use against me. I will not be bound by these chains.