Review and Remorse

As the year comes to an end I have contemplating my choices I have made through out the year, the people I have stayed in contact with, the people I have dated, the things I have done and have not done.

Changing subjects, I was confronted by a person today for what he called “being arrogant.” My friends and I where at a great somewhat upscale restaurant and I ordered a bottle of wine for my friends to have a toast, I ordered a 1978 Chardonnay. He brought it over and my friend told me to see if it was the right one, and I told him it wasn’t. I confronted the waiter and then he called me a “stupid mexican” and “arrogant.” For most people, I don’t look as cultured as I really am. Also, mexican is a somewhat of an insult but I really don’t care. I just must clarify that I prefer to called Latino or Hispanic. I was not being arrogant but I was being confident and assured.

So this got me thinking, How many other times do I come off being arrogant? How many people think that I am arrogant?

There are many facets of my life that I do not share with everyone, there are many things I do or people don’t see. But I try to be a confident person and if by any reason I have come off as being arrogant I apologize for that.

And here is the kicker, I am seem confident but I’m really not. I put of a face just like an actor would. I go to boardroom meetings with lawyers and record execs, to them I am but just another person trying to work for them so I have pretend to the most important thing they will ever see. I attend a University where I knew no one before attending, I mean no one. I had seen the campus once before I was there moved in. I have to look, walk and speak like I belong.

My remorse this year is that I didn’t try harder….. I didn’t work hard enough…. I didn’t put more effort into things.

I am a college student that works here and there as a freelance audio engineer, it pays the bills but I try to be very cautious in the things I do, personally I’m not that great of an engineer I’ve just been blessed to work with great people that make me seem better than I really am. I will share three thing I am remorseful of this year.

This summer, I worked very hard on my career, , during that same time I tried to help out with the High School group at my church, now looking back I really regret not dedicating more time on the people there. People always say that there is always time, well there isn’t.

I have regretted not keeping in contact with many friends, many of them have moved to other parts of the country, other have moved back, and other have come back for their back packing trips across Europe, and for that I am deeply sadden. I wish I had more time in my busy schedule to visit them more, converse with them in a more regular basis, see them and go out on the town with them.

And finally I regret not trusting God. God has given my this amazing gift, and I shy away from it. I do not take the great care it needs. I asked Him that if I where to have this gift I would do His will, this summer I did His will by helping with the high school group; but I didn’t not keep my end of the bargain. I am not a musician and I am not a tone-deaf person, I understand how something should sound and how to create sound that only exist in ones head. Yet I have not nurtured it, I have been worried if I fail at this career I need a back up, I need to do Music Law. My voice teacher said that if dedicate myself I would be able to be a great hi-tenor, my audio engineer teacher said that I have great creativity in my mixing and mastering styles, my PM teacher said I have great heart, but all that fails if I do not put some effort in to it. I have a gift and because I am so afraid of failure I am not developing it to its full potential; I had thought that I was hitting a wall with my talents and that is not the case. I am holding myself back.

My New Year’s Resolution for 2007 is I will once more have the same deal with God, but this time I will nurture my talent and dedicate myself a lot more in my ear, my voice, theory, solfège and all the other things have to do. I will try to open up more and try not seem arrogant. And finally try to make time to see friends, talk to them and even track down some old ones.