I don’t know what it is? is it because I miss NYC? Is it because I am have regrets of being back at APU?

But for some odd reason I cannot, for the life of me, go to sleep before 2 am. I need to sleep. I have tons of classes and am in two choirs. I need my rest, but I am not getting it.

So enough with keeping secrets. Ye, I am going to be totally transparent.

So here it goes….. I want to just quit school and start my career as an audio engineer. I would like to own a studio. I am not shy but do play coy. I am not as nice as I seem. Everything I do has an alternate reason.

And things that I try to convince myself that are correct for this time in my life. I do not like Adrianna(I really do but there is not point of me pursuing her at this time as we have establish a great friendship that is very meaningful at this time and I am try to improve my vocal abilities with her as a two musicians helping each other out). Marriage is not for me.

I really don’t know but this is what I tell myself; if I don’t get married I won’t be disappointed. If I do, I’ll be married; simple as that.

So why am I writing this down here and now? I really don’t know. I may have feelings towards Adri, but I am not going to act on them even though I would like to. Seeing that Claudia has been praying that I would meet a great red head that is Christian and shares mutual passion but whom am I to say that Adri is that person. Anyways she just broke up with a dude and I don’t do the whole rebound thing. Or am I just trying to rationalize all these things so they seem like valid excuses and therefore not getting hurt and not hurting her?

It seems that there are a lot of underlying problems. How can someone love another if they really don’t like themselves?

It has also been said, if you know God therefore you can Love because God is Love…..

So I leave with this; only time will tell if I go for it or I will just go about my day with my music and my dreams.